Everyday Ethics

There is perhaps no better place to consider issues of ethics and morality than in the world of intimate human relationships.  It is in these arrangements that we find our own sense of what is right continually challenged, and it is especially easy for our own psychological hang-ups and insecurities to negatively affect our ability to act in a morally appropriate way.  And let’s not forget the inevitable “brain vs. groin” battle that can rapidly carry us off the ethical map.  In short, relationships are a great opportunity to test and evaluate ourselves morally because we are blessed with frequent opportunities and a wealth of distractions.  This brings me to the topic of my Friday night with an ethical egoist. 

Let me first state that I am a happily married man who has little frame of reference for the inner workings of the dating world.  However, I am happily married, so I must have some idea of what I’m talking about.  But this is an ethics column, not a dating site and I am not the topic of this piece, not directly at least.  The matter at hand is to ponder the question of what, if any ethical framework is best suited for use in the dating world.  As ethicists, our goal is to act in a moral, reasonable way and not to simply be successful in meeting and cohorting with members of the opposite sex.  For many, that will require a slight change of perspective.

This brings me to the topic of my friend the ethical egoist.  During what I found to be a highly interesting discussion about his latest forays into the female realm, he revealed to me that he finds ethical egoism to be an especially useful perspective in his interactions with women.  I found this perplexing and, as I often do when puzzled, said “Hmm, interesting,” and made a note to ponder this further over my breakfast cereal.

For those unfamiliar, ethical egoism is the theory that individuals ought to act in their own self-interest consistently and exclusively, and that this ethical position, when practiced universally, will lead to the advancement of everyone’s self interest collectively.  Put more simply, if everyone just worries about themselves we’ll all be better off. 

This theory, I must admit to my friend’s probable dismay, is rejected by most prominent philosophers as being guilty of moral relativism.  If we all act in our own self-interest, any action becomes ethical if we find it to be consistent with this axiom.  I tend to agree with this assessment, but as an ethicist it is appropriate to give all points of view due license and not simply reject them off hand.  And what of the matter of relationships?  Could this theory, although deeply flawed in my view, provide some sort of clarity to the world of intergender relations?

Ethical egoism is only remotely reasonable in a world where we all subscribe to it.  Further, the charge of moral relativism is entirely valid even in the dating world.  What if I have some sort of fetish that is potentially harmful to others?  My own self-interest would dictate that I should satisfy my need without regard for the well-being of others. 
A more common issue might be if one individual is seeking attachment-free sex with another person, as is often the case in our society.  This individual, if their self-interest dictates that they should say and do whatever is necessary in seeking sexual fulfillment, exposes their potential partner to a vast array of physical, emotional, and psychological harm so that they can satisfy this self-interest.  Where rights, duties, and utility require us to consider everyone who might be impacted in such a situation, ethical egoism suggests that we think of only ourselves.  I have always found myself more successful in the dating world when I thought of others, and not only myself.  But again, I am happily married.   

About the Author

Elijah Weber is a graduate student at Bowling Green State University. He holds a Master's degree in philosophy from Colorado State University, and Bachelor’s degrees in sociology and philosophy from Chapman Univerity. He currently lives in Bowling Green, Ohio with his wife Laura, his newborn son Brandon, and his feline life-partner Monte.